Moving in a Non Linear Fashion
by biggrstaffbunch
Summary: Kaylee Frye has trouble figuring out her feelings for one Doctor Tam, postMiranda. Thankfully, the crew of Serenity is more than happy to help her along. [post BDM fluff::romance::gen]
1. River

- - -

**I. Butterflies and Big Words: River Tam**

Kaylee Frye has an awful lot on her mind right now.

It's mainly 'cause she's not rightly sure _what_ to be thinking of, all huddled in her engine room and seeking refuge from the outside world. Usually, meaning just a week before, before Miranda and death and the Reavers, Kaylee wouldn't have even had to question it. Her entire focus would've been on the shiny doctor with his shy smiles and bright blue eyes. And really, even now, Kaylee's brain is still whirring with thoughts of the handsome Simon Tam. But it ain't the good sorta thoughts, or even the warm, naughty ones they usually are.

'Cause all Kaylee can think about right _now_ is those last few moments 'fore that gun shot tore right through Simon's gut.

The way he'd talked to her, all gentle and emotional. Kaylee ain't never heard no one sound so sincere in her life--no matter how addlepated the things Simon usually says come out, this one thing, the most important thing, had been about to come out just right.

And that scared Kaylee so much she'd gone and finished his sentence with something really and truly stupid: Sex.

Sex ain't nothing but a real nice feeling and no attachments after the fact. With Simon, even despite herself, Kaylee wants attachments. She wants 'em real bad.

That Simon likes her is expected. That he _wants_ her is mighty gratifying. That Kaylee feels all those things but _more_ is too out of this 'verse for words. It ain't supposed to be more than just sex and Kaywinnet Lee Frye may be a big 'ole scaredy cat, but she don't care--expecting anything more than a roll in the engine room with Simon is just much too much.

Or maybe it ain't too much, maybe it's just what she's always wanted, and for the first time ever, Kaylee's more than a mite confused 'bout what she wants, and why it makes her belly twist and rumble.

"Kaylee?"

River's voice is quiet and clear, and it's that last part that actually gets Kaylee to turning around. As long as Kaylee's known River, ain't never been a time when the younger girl was what a person'd call _clear_. But here she is, speaking all low and serious, and so Kaylee puts down her wrench and turns around.

"What's goin' on, River?" she asks, tying the sleeves of her coveralls snug around her waist. Her neck twinges a little from that dart the Reavers had sent at her (_naught but a week ago, Wash an' Book an' damn near Serenity had died naught but a week ago_) and she slaps a hand to the scar, shrugs the pain away. There ain't no room for her little aches and scrapes--not now with Serenity needind repairs, its crew in veritable tatters, and Kaylee a sorry mess inside.

"Simon's awake. He's been asking for you." River's eyes are wide and innocent when Kaylee's hand slips from her neck and hovers in mid-air.

"Simon's askin' for _me_?" Kaylee asks. There's a nervousness she don't know quite what to do with bubbling in the pit of her belly. She shushes the damned butterflies and asks, "What for?"

River cocks her head. Now that some of the craziness is gone from her face, Kaylee's can see she's probably a real sweet-looking girl. 'Cept right now, she looks downright devious.

"I think he'd like to begin the traditions of a mating ritual. It's what civilized people do, the ritualization of courtship. Not much practical experience of late, true, but I'm a quick learner. Smart." She taps her temple seriously.

Kaylee arches a brow and smiles hesitantly. "That you are. What was that with havin' no experience with the... what now?" she asks, prodding further. Asking River questions ain't never a good idea, but it'll do for a distraction, especially since she's still reeling from the thought of Simon and mating in the same sentence.

River smiles wide. "Civilized conversations. And sexual intercourse. They don't always move in linear fashions, so it's difficult to make sense of the workings--there's a first, and a second, and a third somewhere in the muddle..." Off Kaylee's blanche, she presses, "You don't understand, do you? The quantification of unchecked sexual desire in conjunction with the restrictions of social convention is impossible. Something has to give--" The butterflies intensify in Kaylee's belly. Peering closer, River crows triumphantly, "Or maybe you _do_ understand!"

Kaylee blushes to the roots of her hair and decides that possibly, there's a reason River had that rotten look on her face. Simon's sister sure is one for taking the crap outta people.

"Don't worry," River says cheerfully. "Simon doesn't always like to do things in order, either!" She shrugs. "He's very contrary to expectations. My father must be thinking that in a relentless mantra, and I am for once inclined to agree with his assessment."

Kaylee giggles and brings a hand to her head. "Me, too," she agrees. Sure, talking to River ain't quite producing what Kaylee would call _calm_, but her blunt nature is sorta refreshing after everyone's pussy-footing around here. Maybe she'll stay awhile, put off the _conversing_ with Simon a bit more.

"He puzzles you," River says, sitting down on the engine room floor. Kaylee hesitates before flopping down next to the girl. "Simon, I mean, not my father. And you puzzle him. Like a jigsaw puzzle without any signifiers or prominent markings for either of you to make an entire picture. You have to follow the clues but when the clues are all mixed up, you just end up going in opposite directions."

Kaylee grins despite herself. "Somethin' like that."

"You could try buying a new puzzle. They're very cheap and we have an abundance of credits." Kaylee senses River is giving her a challenge, from the subtle lift of her chin.

"I don't really want a new puzzle," Kaylee says truthfully. "I been tryin' too hard and for too long to put this one together. I ain't gonna walk away now that the picture's almost complete."

River seems pleased. "Good. That's good. Then why..." she slants her eyes. "Why are the butterflies roaming so free?" She mimes catching things in the air with a net, and Kaylee giggles again in spite of herself.

"Guess I'm a little nervous," she admits. "Your brother an' I...we had ourselves a moment during that Reaver attack and...I reckon I'm a little afraid of what that all means. I know I've been harassing him in all manners of ways for just a little word 'bout how he feels towards me. But now that I _got_ a little word..."

"It's a big word?" River leans back and nods wisely. "It's big _words _, sentences expanding in your brain and your heart so that you can't think or breathe anything but their syllables clawing away at your self until you're nothing but word-shapes and meanings too abstract to really get?"

Kaylee blinks slowly. "Well, sure," she says. "There's that."

River nods again, even more wisely. "The words get smaller but the meaning stays the same. Your body parts will stretch eventually, learn to encompass and hold all that could be. Should be." She tosses her hair and levels an admonishing glare at Kaylee. "_Will_ be."

Kaylee nods and gets up. "Yes ma'am," she says. Sometimes, River still scares her.

Sometimes, River's brother scares her more.

"Kaylee?" River's voice stops Kaylee once more.

"Yes?" Kaylee says patiently. River looks shyly up from beneath her fall of hair, her bottom lip worried between her teeth. It's an expression of vulnerability Kayle ain't too used to seeing on her face. "Whatcha got to thinkin', sweetie?"

River shrugs. "When I'm all alone in my head, sometimes I wonder if _I'll_ ever have big words to fill the empty space up, getting bigger and bigger like so many cocoons, until one day I have butterflies, too. It's the nature of puberty, I'm told, but I never got to be soft around all that sharp, and the monsters in the dark chase all the _good_ dreams away."

Kaylee smiles. "You'll get yer big words, River. You got plenty right now--maybe one day you'll meet a handsome doc of your own and then you can chase all the butterflies you want."

River shudders. "No doctors please. My brother has cold hands. I want heat." Her eyes go dreamy. "Gunfire and big arms you can hold onto when the 'verse is trying to tear you apart. Mercy in the mercenary."

Kaylee wonders just exactly what River meant when she was talking about those _good_ dreams and makes a mental note to keep an eye out on Jayne.

"You need to be healed, big sister," River interrupts her musings. "Big hole here," she points to her neck, "and here," then to her heart. "Healing wound. Clean it daily, keep it pure, or else it'll get red and raw and there's the possibility of infection."

Kaylee nods. "I'm goin'," she says hastily. "Don't want no infection, now do I?" She pauses next to River on her way out. "An' River? I hope you get your big words, I really do. In the meantime, though, I'm mighty grateful fer you bein' the one to tell me my own big words. I ain't got no dictionary out here in space."

River smiles benignly. "Well, someone's got to make sure the Tam name perseveres. And my brother is rather helpless, isn't he?"

Kaylee chuckles, and she can't help but agree--hell, they're _all_ a little helpless. Hopeless, though, no sir. Not no more, not for long.

She's whistling by the time she walks off to the infirmary.

---

Chapter Two--And Vera Was Her Name: Jayne Cobb


	2. Jayne

**II. And Vera Was Her Name: Jayne Cobb**

By the time she gets to the infirmary, Kaylee's worries have resurfaced and all the cryptic River talk in the world ain't helping. The door to the infirmary stands in front of her, immovable and taunting. She contemplates sticking her tongue out at it, just on principle, but decides she oughta draw the line between herself and immaturity somewhere. Just 'cause she's all awhirl inside don't mean she can't be the picture of calm on the outside.

It's just _Simon_. Only now, sweet, handsome, noble Simon wants her as much as she wants him, and Kaylee ain't quite sure what to do with that.

Her thumbnail firmly in her mouth, she moves her lips silently over her finger as she debates steppin' through the threshold and..._what_ exactly with the doc? Conversing, according to River, but Kaylee ain't so good with the words. Then there's the mating, and yeah, Kaylee's awful good at that, but she ain't sure it's exactly the most appropriate time for that sorta activity, on account of Simon's still-healing bullet wound.

Without words or sex, Kaylee's pretty sure all that's gonna go on in the infirmary is a whole lotta standing around looking stupid, with a little confusion and uncomfortableness mixed in. She could just do that with _Jayne_ if she wanted, she ain't never gonna understand _him_ neither--

"You gonna stand out there forever, girl, or you gonna go in and make some room in this here corridor for other people who gotta walk?"

Kaylee jumps. Turning, she faces Jayne, who's eyebrow is raised and his gun slung across his shoulder. _Speaka the devil,_ Kaylee thinks bemusedly.

"Doin' the nightwatch," Jayne explains, gesturing to his new firearm. "And right now, I'm watchin' you standin' out here like a fool little girl. You ain't no shrinkin' violet, are ya?"

Kaylee juts her chin up out of pure habit. "No," she says. "No, I ain't."

Jayne gives a wry sorta grin. "Then git in there. Doc ain't gonna bite. 'Less he's inta all that kinky stuff, in which case, you just give me all the details later on, okay?"

Kaylee wrinkles her nose. "_Bizui_, please," she says patiently. "An' I'll take my sweet own time, thank you. Ain't afraid he's gonna bite. More afraid that he's gonna wanna _talk_." She worries her lip between her teeth, peering at the door like it's a big engine that she can just deconstruct.

Jayne makes a face. "Doc tends to do that a lot, yeah. But innit what womenfolk normally want? Lotsa talkin'? 'Bout feelings and such?"

Kaylee gives a small smile. "Now, Jayne," she says teasingly, "Just when have you ever known me to be all normal-like?"

Jayne smirks. "Never," he says, as if it's obvious. "Don't mean that you ain't just like every other girl who takes a look at a shiny, _swai_ doctor and starts gettin' tingly in her nethers."

Kaylee grimaces good-naturedly. "Next time you talk 'bout my nethers, you're gettin' a wrench in _yours_," she says. "And I ain't into Simon just 'cause he's handsome. He's...nice, Jayne. Real nice." She pauses. "He's nice and everythin' else that's shiny and good, an' for the first time ever, I think I could maybe get it. I could have something nice, Jayne, an' that's just a little scary-makin', okay!" Her words burst out 'fore she can stop 'em, and she waits for Jayne to make fun of her.

Jayne mimes a shudder. "Real scary," he says, rolling his eyes, but that's all. His eyes get slitty and calculating. "You yellow-bellied?"

"No!" Kaylee insists. "It is too scary, 'cause when you have somethin' nice like that, 'verse is always lookin' to take it away."

Kaylee thinks of all the ways their meeting could go wrong. About all the hope and tenderness she's trying to keep at bay, despite everyone thinking she's so open and free with her feelings. There's a difference between loving someone and being _in_ love with someone, and she thinks about falling off the edge into something bigger than she's ever known. What does Jayne know about that anyhow?

"What do you know about that anyhow?" she demands, a little resentfully. "'Bout love and niceness and, and...and bein' _afraid_."

A flash of hurt zooms through Jayne's eyes, and Kaylee looks down, ashamed at herself. 'Course Jayne ain't some superhuman-ape thingy. He's got feelings just like the rest of everybody, and she knows there're times he's plenty afraid, he just don't show it. Kaylee's been kinda glad for it too, 'cause seein' him so strong has made her wanna be that way just the same.

"Hey, Jayne," she begins, ready to make up.

"I once been in love--close to love as I'm gonna get, anyways," Jayne blurts out defensively. The statement shocks Kaylee so much that she just stands there with her mouth hanging open for a few seconds 'fore speaking again.

"In love? Really?" Kaylee fights the squeal buildin' up in her throat. "That's shiny, Jayne! Who was the lucky lady?" She may be conflicted some, but Kaylee's optimism ain't never far away. If Jayne ever had a relationship, or something close to it (meaning a moment with a female who weren't a whore), then Kaylee's got some hope yet.

Besides, it's sorta cute.

"I fell in once with a gal named Vera." Jayne says distantly. Kaylee's smile falters and she draws her brows in confusion. Less cute, now.

"Jayne, that's your gun," she explains hesitantly. Figures Jayne would make the comparison to him and his gorram guns--

"Naw," Jayne shakes his head. "Back home. I was fifteen."

Kaylee nods slowly, shocked. "Go on," she says. "A real live girl? An' you? And you wasn't, you know, just ruttin' in the sack?"

Jayne's eyes flash. "I ain't always been this way," he says lowly, and Kaylee feels a flash of empathy. They all ain't always been the ways they are now. Ain't no one on any world in this 'verse or another the same as the day they were born. Life brings you changes an' you learn to live with 'em, or ya fight 'em, but there ain't no staying the same.

Not even for Jayne Cobb, Kaylee guesses. She wonders distantly if Simon's changed at all since coming aboard Serenity. Seems to her he's still a mite twitchy and repressed, and for all the confessions under fire he could give, she's still waiting for him to turn around and decide she ain't worth it all.

Just another thing she could lose out here in the black. Just another way she could lose it.

"How'd it all come about, Jayne?" Kaylee asks, wanting to hear his story instead of focusing on her own.

Jayne grunts. "Ain't sure you really wanna hear it," he says petulantly.

Kaylee rolls her eyes. "You know I do," she says. "Come on, please?" She breaks out her pleading smile, and Jayne gives a big heaving sigh 'fore giving in.

"Knew this girl once," he says gruffly. "Real sweet. Liked me somethin' fierce, used to come out and watch me play 'round with the guns before I went inta the mines." He shrugs, trying to look unaffected. "She used to help my Ma with the house and the cookin', so I'd help her Pa with the men's work on their farm." He shrugs again, though his jaw is noticeably tense. "Got it in my head to likin' her, but I didn't wanna let on. Set up to court her instead, old-fashioned and slow-like, 'cause my Ma said that was best. Thought we had all the time in the gorram world. Didn't even let on how I felt." He squints. "'Cept I think she knew 'nyways, 'cause I smashed in Jethro Brown's nose once just fer lookin' at her."

His eyes are faraway and Kaylee feels a bit like she's been thrown into a bizarre new 'verse where Jayne is a big 'ole sap 'stead of a dangerous merc. Despite herself, she's fascinated. Always was a sucker for romance.

"So what happened?" Kaylee asks eagerly.

Jayne's eyes have hardened, and his tone is purposely flat. "She were playing with a new gun she got 'round her sixteenth birthday. Went off and shot her lil' brother. Went all crazy, after that. I didn't really know what to do 'nymore, so I went off on my own without sayin' much to her.." He shakes his head. "An' she ain't never talked to me since."

Kaylee gasps and tears slowly come to her eyes. Jayne's shoulders slump slightly.

"That day broke the girl so far down the middle, ain't no one ever put her back together." He fumbles with his gun. "Worst part is, I keep thinkin' that if I'da been with her, she ain't never have shot off that gun the way she had. An' later, if I'da only told her how I felt, mebbe she woulda got a little better, 'stead of going in herself an' not comin' back out--" He hefts his gun, clear his throat. Kaylee just touches his shoulder sympathetically.

"Ain't nothin' you coulda done, Jayne," she says. "It's how the 'verse works. You want something real bad and ya get it and then it's gone, through no fault a' your own."

Jayne shakes his head. "Now, that ain't true. I ain't found a girl I like as well as Vera since, nor am I likely to, ya know. If I'da just told her, I mighta had some time...but I didn't, now all I got is memories, and what in the ruttin' hell are memories good for out here in the black?"

He ducks his head and speaks again after a moment of Kaylee workin' his words through her head. "I'm sayin', I know a thing or two 'bout niceness and fallin'." His eyes harden. "Just ain't so stupid enough as to think that once you got it, it's just gonna wait 'round for you to decide you want it after all."

Jayne's hand falls heavy on Kaylee's shoulder. "Love ain't scary-makin', Kaylee, just stupid-makin'." He watches her for an intense moment, blue eyes clearer than Kaylee's ever seen 'em. "Ya wonder why people care so hard for ya, or why ya care so hard for other people--an' you decide not to. Ya end up alone, an' you think yer okay, but you ain't ever. It ain't love that makes you hurt so bad, lil' mechanic-girl. It's what you decide to do with it. Or not do with it." He gives a pointed look at the infirmary door.

Then he takes his hand off her shoulder, shoots her a bland look, the old, dumb-as-rocks Jayne. Walks off to do his job, the grumpy merc instead of the sad, complex man she'd seen not two seconds ago.

Kaylee just stares for a moment, tears still heavy in her eyes, and Jayne's story in her heart.

"Well, then," she says under her breath. "That's somethin' new."

The infirmary door don't look any more movable, but it's a little less daunting than before, and inexplicably, Kaylee's got Jayne Cobb to thank.

---

**Part Three: Playing For Keeps: Inara Serra**


	3. Inara

**III. Playing For Keeps: Inara Serra**

"I never would have thought that Jayne had much of a story to tell. Silly of me, don't you think?"

Kaylee whirls around, spooked. _Sure are a lot of people up for it bein' so late at night,_ she thinks, and ordinarily, she'd have been overjoyed at someone to sit and chat with. Right now, though, Kaylee ain't sure she's fit for human company, her being so down in the dumps as she is.

But it's Inara, and Kaylee can't help but always be happy to see her. 'Sides, it looks like she could use a friend. The small smile on Inara's face is gentle and serene, but Kaylee knows better than to think Inara's okay. They all heard the wave that Inara's House Priestess sent not two days ago, telling her in no uncertain terms that perhaps freedom out in the black was the best option for her after all.

_Especially,_ the Priestess had added,_ if falling in with criminals who levelled unjust accusations at the government who sponsers and protects the Guild was Inara's choice of--_

Well, Kaylee's not sure how the Preistess's sentence ended. Inara had ended the wave abruptly, and refused to speak a word 'bout it, afterwards. In fact, she's taken to muttering unladylike things under her breath whenever anyone mentions her clients--specifically that there _ain't_ any. 'Nara's shuttle's been empty of late, and Kaylee knows that's a mix of both Inara's own wishes and the Guild sticking their hooty-tooty noses in Inara's business. Kaylee is impressed with how well Inara's taking it, on the outside at least. She suspects the few times she's seen Mal talking to Inara in real quiet tones and all close-like have something to do with that.

But Kaylee also suspects it'll be a long, long while till Inara knows how to be anything other than a House Madrassa Companion, and she's happy to entertain the older woman any way she can till then, if that's what long walks 'round Serenity in the dead of the night call for.

'Sides, it ain't like Kaylee don't know what it's like to be a fish outta water, searching for her place in a 'verse big enough to swallow a person whole, if they ain't watching, gaurding against it.

"Kaylee?" Inara's voice interrupts her musings. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

"Oh!" Kaylee jolts out of her thoughts, her eyes wide. "I was just thinking..." she explains. "'Bout all of what it's costing a person to build something for themselves again, out here in the black." Inara's eyes soften, and it looks like she'll protest, but Kaylee shakes her head. "You ain't silly," Kaylee says. "No, ma'am. When a person's tryin' their best to find their own way, sometimes it's hard to look hard enough at others and see the truth of what they're feeling too."

Inara shakes her head right back. "Still," she says a little vehemently, her tone almost frustrated, "as a Companion, I should be able to--or I suppose, I should have _been_ able to--read deeper between the lines. I just automatically assumed Jayne was an uneducated brute, and that makes me worse than shallow--it makes me blind."

Kaylee grins. "Well, those lines you didn't read deeper into sure do tend to give us _all_ that same opinion, don't they? Quit bein' so hard on yourself. Companion or not, you can't always read people the way they _really_ are. Ain't no one in the 'verse who knows everything there is to know 'bout another person--" Her smile fades slightly. "--no matter how much they want to," she finishes, her voice soft.

Inara tilts her head, her eyes shrewd. "Are we speaking of someone in particular?" she asks, her voice coaxing. "Perhaps the doctor?"

Kaylee rolls her eyes. "Ain't it always?" she asks dryly. "I don't know what it is about him that spins my head so, Inara. But something does, and I'm so confused about him I feel like an engine without any oil--stuttering to a stop just when I think I can get running smooth again."

Inara smiles. "Yes, I do believe I know how you feel," she says. "Come on, I'll make you some tea and we can talk in the lounge." She darts her eyes to the infirmary. "Unless...were you mustering up the courage for a little chat of your own?"

Kaylee sighs. "I was mustering," she confesses. "But it weren't doin' any good. Jayne helped me some, but...I still get so _worried_." She looks up at Inara, her eyes big. "I ain't never felt like this. This crazy over every little thing. Back in the Reaver-fight, it was just me an' Simon an' the moment. I don't think either of us thought very much that we'd live. And we did, and now we hafta work through what we said an' what it means. I dunno if I know how to do that. Me, who's always wanting to talk about feelings with _him_. Isn't that funny?"

Inara shakes her head, giving Kaylee a gentle hug as she leads her towards the direction of the lounge. "No, Kaylee," she says softly. "It's not funny at all."

The tea, when Inara's done making it, is hot and sweet and soothing. It tastes like honeysuckle and sunshine, and Kaylee misses home for a moment so fierce her throat aches with it. All these months on this beautiful boat, she ain't never really stopped to think how things've changed for her. Figured she was still a down-home gal without a care in the world, 'cept for her engines and her ship and her family, both blood and not. But Kaylee can't lay claim to that simpleness no more, not after what she's seen. Not after Jubal Early threatened to do things to her, not since little girls got their brains carved up by the government. Kaylee knows that life ain't always gonna turn up rosy, rainbows and smiles. "Sometimes a thing's broke, it can't _be_ fixed," she'd once said, and boy howdy, is that true. There's still innocence nestled somewheres deep in Kaylee's heart, but for now, it's buried in Reavers and gunshots and the thought of love being too risky to pursue.

Somehow, that last thing hurts the most. More than she thinks she can bear.

"How do you do it, Inara?" she asks, once the tea has been sipped in pleasant, peaceful silence. Inara is beside Kaylee, her lavender and sandlewood scent making Kaylee's eyes heavy. She strokes Kaylee's hair softly and lays her chin on her head.

"How do I do what, _mei mei_?"

"How d'you go on living like your life weren't just swept out from under ya?" Kaylee wraps her arm around Inara's waist and gives in to the urge to hug her surrogate older sister. Inara's arms may be skinny, but they're warm and comforting like Kaylee's favorite blanket. "How do you just wake up every morning and not wanna scream for the unfairness of it all?"

Inara laughs, a throaty chuckle. "Who says I don't want to scream, sweetie?" She squeezes Kaylee's shoulder. "I can't say I wholeheartedly agree with the way I've been treated by the Guild, but Kaylee, they're right. Sinhon isn't the place for me anymore, and perhaps...perhaps being a Companion by the Guild's rules isn't either." Kaylee's eyes widen as she straightens, looking at Inara. "You see, sometimes life takes you places you never thought you were meant to be. And you fight it, because you wish to take comfort in all you've known. Change can be difficult, because then you lose the little hard-earned control that you have over your own life."

Kaylee nods. This she knows. Once, Cap'n had ordered Kaylee to use a whole new set of tools in the engine room 'cause the old ones were too expensive. Took Kaylee three weeks to get used to the new ones, and she still feels a pang for the old ones.

"But you learn how to take the path the Universe has charted for you, _mei mei_. You learn because there's little else you can do but adapt, and change right along with the Universe." Inara touches Kaylee's chin. "And sometimes, Kaylee, you learn that what you always _were_ was just _waiting_ to become what you _are_."

Kaylee smiles. Inara talks in her riddles sometimes, but she means well, and her advice is sound. Kaylee gets that. But she still has questions.

"Is it worth it?" she asks quietly. "The accepting and the adapting?" Her hands fumble. "I think I've fallen in love with Simon, Inara. All these months on this boat with him, wantin' him so bad--I thought it was just an itch and he was someone real nice to scratch it for me. I mean, I liked him well-enough, real friendly-like. And I was sure attracted to him...who wouldn't be?" She shakes her head. "But now--after that moment when we was fightin'--the thought...the thought of him an' me sexin' and him not bein' with me afterwards in any other type of way...it hurts real bad. Hurts in a way I ain't never felt before. I want him for keeps, Inara, and I ain't never played for keeps before."

Inara gapes at Kaylee for a second, her mouth open in a decidedly unladylike way. "Kaylee," she begins, then shuts her mouth. "Well, I--" and then she shuts her mouth again. "I might not be the best person to tell this to," she finally says helplessly.

Kaylee furrows her brow. "Well, whyever not?" she asks indignantly. Inara's plenty smart, and she knows the ways of intimacy better than anyone.

Inara gives a wistful smile. "You see, I've never played for keeps before, either." She looks down. "We're taught in Companion training to never fall in love. There are...very specific guidelines. Ways to cut yourself off. I had those guidleines as well as my own ambition to stop me from giving my heart to someone. I've never...never wanted to get tied down in one place, because I feared losing the strength to ever leave it if I did. That's why I left Serenity, _mei mei_. Not because I didn't love it, love you all. Because I _did_. Too much. I was putting down an anchor and claiming that shuttle as my home. And Companions don't have homes."

Kaylee touches Inara's arm. "No," she says compassionately, "Companions might not have homes, 'Nara, but you sure as rutting hell do."

Inara smiles. "I'm getting that now. I'm realizing the sort of strength it takes to _stay_ somewhere, as opposed to leaving. And I'm ready to work at something new, something good. Here. On Serenity. With you all, my family."

"And Captain Mal?" Kaylee asks coyly. Inara blushes. Actually blushes.

"Yes," she says honestly. "Maybe. Possibly." She backpedals, looking around the room. "We'll see. He's a very difficult man."

There is a moment of silence, and then utter glee as they collapse into girlish giggles. Kaylee feels a sense of warm, utter rightness envelope her. The problem isn't solved, not by a long shot, but at least she's not alone, lost here in the dark.

And somehow, Kaylee feels like playing for keeps can't be so hard. Not if there's the proper motivation for it. Thinking of Simon's bright blue eyes and that smile she loves, she feels a little heartened. She's still on the edge of a frightening cliff, staring out into the unknown. But she's always been very competitive, and she ain't keen on accepting defeat. No, playing for keeps can't be so hard.

She won't let it be.

- - -


End file.
